How to do back to school traffic
You wake up, it’s a Monday. You groan, turn over, check your bank account to see if you became rich overnight (spoiler alert: you didn’t) and you spend ten minutes wondering where the weekend went. After all of that you begin getting ready for the inevitable – work. Well at least school’s still closed so no traffic…wait that lime you went to on Thursday was an Independence lime. That means…school’s open.
You jump up and open your phone to verify, yep it says September and everybody’s facebook and IG posts are about school being open and traffic fuh so. Alright, so what’s the plan. Well you can
1. Call in sick
Red eye is going around you can fake that. Actually, that requires a doctor’s visit and at least a week off and you need your sick leave for Premier League and cricket. Better stick to a cold. So you put on your best sick voice and pause, didn’t you fake sick on Friday for a four day weekend? Nope, you went to work for a few hours, well you’re clear, time to call the boss. If you did fake sick already, then move onto step 2.
2. Car troubles /maxi shut down
This one won’t get you out of work but it will explain why you’re late and if you sound really upset about it and use the right youtubed background traffic sounds you might even get your manager to feel sorry for you. Once that works you can go back to sleep for an hour or two and cruise down the road in traffic free comfort. Just remember to look pissed when you reach to work.
Wait, did you just say you don’t like being late? Yuh difficult, yuh know. Alright fine, on to step three.
3. Pretend someone died
This is the Caribbean, everybody has pumpkin vine family. Who’s to say one didn’t really die. This one works best over the phone if you can be dramatic and remember who died but if you’re gonna forget that your uncle’s ex-girlfriend who he has a child with sister’s cousin’s daughter who you went to camp with and was your best friend for two weeks died then stick to text and say it was your close second cousin.
Not ready to kill anyone for a day off, what more do you want? On to step 4.
4. Be honest
Now this won’t work in every company or with all managers, so if you know honesty is not the best policy, then move on to step 5. However, if your company is cool (or you work government) then just remind your boss that school’s open so you’ll either be late or on Maracas calling it a sick day.
5. Steups and deal with the traffic
Yeah, we wanted to get you out of this but you want too much so get up, get dressed and head out. Who knows, the traffic may not be that bad (it will) and the doubles vendor or pie man will get your order right (they won’t).
If you play it smart, you can definitely get ahead of back to school traffic whether you leave early, leave late or take the day.
*These steps won’t work if you work from home or in the opposite direction of the traffic.